Day 342 - Weakness

 WEAKNESS

Prompt - Weakness : Write about your greatest weakness

I am at the beginning of writing this essay at eight thirteen in the evening. Whereas I have been sat at my desk since well before eight.  I am writing this in the evening despite having been home for most of the day (although I did get myself to the gym, and did my voluntary work for much of the afternoon).  I am going to try to write this quickly, in under half an hour if possible, because I should be downstairs sharing the sofa with my wife.

Why do I begin writing about the subject of my biggest weakness with that description of my current situation?  Because it helps as an illustration of exactly what that weakness is.  It is a behaviour that derives from several sources - being lazy, easily distracted, demotivated, tired, lacking determination and others - all of which combine into one overarching symptom, one that has dogged me for almost all my life.  Poor time management.

Which is kind of ironic when you realise that I used to be a project manager, and, somehow, delivered a critical path 'millennium bug' project well within time.  But there was a lot more pressure on me then that at any other time in my life, and I, just about, somehow found it within me to respond.  An event which stands out as a rarity in my history.

Of course I know all the theory.  I have done time management training.  I have, obviously, been trained in project planning.  Even today, although long retired, I can be quite effective in drawing up plans, listing priorities, identifying dependencies.  And totally ineffective in implementing these plans.  There's the odd day when I manage to stick roughly to my timetable, but it always falls apart eventually.  This is especially the case when left to myself for a few days.  I draw up a rough timetable of actions, with plenty contingency time, and still struggle to get everything done I wanted to.  Indeed I rarely succeed.

And the worst culprit for disrupting these plans lies in something I've never ever managed to do anything about.  I can't cut myself off from it, I can't stop it happening because I'm often not even conscious that it has, until however long has passed me by.  This is because my biggest timewasting activity is going into my own head and entering a parallel world where my imagination rules and the normal rules of reality - and time - are suspended.  (The second biggest timewasting activity at the moment lies with games on my PC!)  

Sometimes I find myself 'lost' for several hours.  Often I've been pacing up and down, having imaginary conversations in imaginary scenarios.  At least that increases my steps count for the day!  But, sadly, the wanderings of my mind almost never result in a product I can sue as the  basis for a piece of fiction or verse.  If it did I wouldn't be quite so annoyed with myself!  While it's easier to indulge this sort of behaviour in retirement, I can recall it happening as far back as schoolwork times.  I have been this way, more or less, for over half a century, and I have to accept that it won't change now.

So instead I make allowances.  I still draw up plans, but with the knowledge that they are sort of 'best endeavours' kind of contract with myself.  If I manage to get most of it done I can feel happy with myself.  In my most recent period alone, over three days, I managed to be surprisingly productive on the first, achieving almost everything on my list.  But day two that had slipped to a bit over sixty per cent.  And on day three?  Probably about thirty per cent of my tasks were completed.  And even that felt like a big plus compared with previous experiences!

So there we are.  A weakness that dogged me through school, university, and a career I'm surprised I managed to have (!), is still there, and easier to accept now.  I am who I am and there is a limit to how much we can change our basic character.

Frustratingly this also means accepting that I will never be able to write anything of any length, for I am too easily distracted into other tasks, too ready to lose concentration and give up.  That won't stop me trying, after a fashion, for who knows? - maybe I can somehow learn to work within my limitations?  It's good to maintain some optimism, otherwise why bother?  

Why bother indeed?