Day 264 - Light at the End of the Tunnel

 LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Prompt - Light at the End of the Tunnel : Write about a time when you saw hope when it seemed like a hopeless situation

"It's for you."  Jess put the phone down and walked away, with one muttered word.  "Her."

I picked up the receiver, with a mix of trepidation, exultation, puzzlement and surprise.  

"Hello?"

"You're going to get what you wanted."  The words were half sobbed, half rushed, but I knew what they meant.  Immediately.  We would be together.  Carol, who I'd known and loved for more than three years, would finally be leaving her husband and coming to be with me.  For good.

Our conversation was brief, the tearfulness from the other end dampening the excitement of the moment.   When I put the phone down I went to find some space to myself, time to think, and to go through the implications of that short conversation.  When I finally came out of this dark tunnel I'd inhabited for so long there would be a destination to head for.  There would be a goal.

But this wasn't the moment when the light had first hit me, when I'd been able to visualise my route out.  That had come a few months before.  

The tunnel had turned and twisted for almost two years, and there plenty of times when I felt like giving up.  Of accepting the darkness because that's what I deserved.  Jess wouldn't let me go, Carol wouldn't be coming to me, I was worthless to everyone, including myself.  Our affair had lasted nine glorious months, in less than glorious circumstances.  Sneaking about, meeting in cars parked up quiet roads, finding ways to leave secret messages, the odd night away in a hotel, always shoulder looking for fear of discovery  Exciting and degrading at the same time.   

Then it ended.  She had decided to give her marriage a try.  So I did the same.  Came clean.  Aimed for a new beginning.

I tried.  Jess tried.  We really did.  But by then I was deep into the tunnel, and with every mile, every twist, it became clearer that she wasn't the light I was looking for, the light I needed.   Until she admitted it was better if we parted.  For ever.  There was still a lot of tunnel to go through, with the house taking months to sell, but there was that chink of light.  There was glimpse of sunshine I needed.  A life without Jess was a return to open skies, to possibilities.  Even if it didn't include Carol they were still enough for me.  It was hope, and I thought I'd left hope behind me a long time ago.

Now when I came out of the dark, out of this broken relationship, it was with a purpose, a chance to build a new reality.  But even if that failed to happen the light was still there.  I had learned to love me again.