UNDER THE INFLUENCE
Prompt - Under the Influence : What is something that has impacted you positively in your life?
Something? Or someone? Have people influenced me more than 'things'? Of course. 'Things' can influence of course. Many of my political stances go back to my time at university, with the content of some courses a major influence. But I'd credit the biggest changes to my Sociology tutor, who opened my eyes to many aspects of sociopolitical life. Or at least that's what memory says, for my diaries are surprisingly mute on this evolutionary aspect of my thinking at the time.
There's the problem - looking for influences is dependent on memory, and memory is flawed. So whatever I choose as my major influence here will probably ignore some aspects of my life that I've long forgotten about.
In more recent years I could choose hockey as a major influence, or at least my involvement with Caps, because it made me realise what supporting a team was all about, something that had eluded me for decades. Or there's my work at Advocard, which has made me look more closely at my own beliefs, and appreciate my privilege more fully. If the greatest influences have come from people then my parents had a huge role, although not always positive. There have been teachers, colleagues, friends, lovers, all of whom have had some positive impacts upon me in so many ways.
But ultimately there is only one answer to the question of what, or who, has been the greatest positive influence in my life. Barbara. My wife of twenty four years, partner of twenty eight, obsession of thirty one. She has helped shape me, and make me a better person, more than anyone else.
But what is 'positively' anyway? What is 'better'? I think there are two main aspects to this, closely interlinked. The way in which I treat and think of others, and the way in which I treat and think of myself. And in influencing the latter for the better she has also influenced the former. For it took Barbara to make me realise that you can't have love and respect for others unless you have those things for yourself. You need to be your own 'number one'. Not in a selfish, grasping, me first manner, but in recognising your own worth, knowing and understanding who you are, believing that you are perhaps more interesting than you thought. She did much to shape, or help me to shape, much of my character, which had been ground down by several years in a lopsided marriage. I had little belief in myself as a person. Felt sexually, socially and professionally inadequate too much of the time. Had little real self confidence, despite some career progression and being able to take the stage in amateur dramatics. So what did she actually do to effect some gradual transformations?
Most of the influences are more subtle, but some were obvious. Like dress sense. I dressed cautiously, like an old man, looked a mess. Barbara changed that, helped me try on 'looks' I wouldn't have ever considered, persuaded me to buy clothes I wouldn't have looked at before, made others notice the change in me. That others noticed was something I hadn't been used to, having always preferred to fade into the background. I discovered styles of dress I'd shied away from, and over the years developed the confidence to find my own style. Now I rarely feel the need to consult her, although I always seek her approval. But she's given me the confidence to be me.
That was a part of treating myself better, of starting to like me more. She also encouraged me to follow my own little dreams. The 'sportscar before I'm forty' became a reality, which it never would have without her. That in turn led us on adventures, Matra meetings, I'd have missed out on otherwise. We became a part of a diverse group that had nothing in common but the cars they drove. An interesting period in my life.
Now I'm trying to write. She encouraged my blog, commented positively on my dedication to my 750words, has appreciated my efforts this year to write stories and poems (in this blog). And now, in her own time of crisis, she has made me appreciate again how much I love her, how big a part of my life she is, and how cataclysmic would be the change in my life were she not here. She is more than an influence. I am my own person, but would be a lesser one without her.
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