Day 26 - Fear

 FEAR

Prompt - Fear : What scares you a little?  What do you feel when scared?  How do you react?

I am easily scared.  That's certainly true of physical pain, and has been throughout my life.  It would be daft to be otherwise, wouldn't it?  Fear of asphyxiation is probably my greatest worry.  Having slightly restricted lung capacity (due to a weird chest bone) I have occasionally been prone to breathlessness.  Never to the point of being asthmatic, but enough for the thought of being unable to breathe properly bringing me into panic mode, where it becomes hard to make rational decisions.  And usually making my breathing worse...  

That will probably never change, and I do sometimes wonder what I will die from.  If it involves long term problems with breathing then I hope that assisted death legislation is in place by that time.  I have no desire to live in constant fear.  My brief flirtation with covid, when I had  a struggle to get my breath for a couple of days, and has left me much more prone to heavy laboured breathing if I exercise, was enough to remind me how much of a fear this is.

The fear that has lessened with age is that of humiliation, or embarrassment.  I care far less about what people think of me than I once did.  I blame my mother, who was self effacing to the point of invisibility at times, for that early conditioning.  I would shrink back if someone called my name loudly in a public space.  I would choose not to do things simply to avoid the possibility of failure and the subsequent feelings of wanting to hide myself away.  

I still avoid party situations where I don't know many people.  My inability to come up with small talk hasn't altered much.  (Whereas i could go into meetings, even social groups, that were work related with some confidence because there I was no longer just Blyth Crawford, but the Project Manager or whatever job title I had at the time.  Hiding behind an official alter ego gave me the social confidence I lacked, still lack, as me.)  I am happy to accept my social awkwardness and adjust my life accordingly.  But I no longer fear others criticism of my failures - but I still fear my own.  I am harder on myself than anyone else is (although if my mother were still alive...).  But at least I don't scare me.